The Big Fat Jerk

Alright, let's talk the real deal. Real life (sometimes scary) straight-up attacks from the enemy. I mean the worst enemy anyone could ever imagine because he plays the trump card off of your deepest and darkest fears. Sometimes I think he knows my heart just as well as God does and can (and has) steer me right down the wrong path so quickly until suddenly I'm sitting at the bottom of a valley. You know who I'm referring to. I almost want to go Harry Potter style and call him "the one who shall not be named" because really he does not even deserve the breath I'm about to give him in this post. I've gone back and forth on whether or not to write about this subject matter, but then I remembered that it's okay that I acknowledge that he's there because it's real life. And if I don't acknowledge that he's there than I'm probably subject to even more trouble. Satan knows he's a big fat jerk. And will never be the king of my heart.

Only Christ has the power to sustain me. I live and breath by this verse, "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." - 1 John 4:4

Ever since my last break-up, I've been left to deal with a lot of internal questions. Such as, "Am I a good enough person?" or "Am I complete?" All of which, I think are usually pretty valid after a break-up - it seems to just come with the territory. I find myself looking for the verses that reassure me that I am. Most days I do believe it. Thankfully, today is one of those days. :)

But, Sunday (so very fitting, Satan). Sunday was not one of those days. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it always seems to happen like this..Saturday night, just before I went to bed, I had a great God-moment experience. I felt great after studying my Bible all comfy in my nice warm bed. I had just finished the book of James and thoroughly enjoyed the words God was speaking to me. So, I had a really, true, honest, whole-hearted one-on-one conversation with God about being made whole in Him. I even smiled as I went to bed feeling a sense of relief as if a weight had been lifted off of my chest.

Then, Sunday morning came. I sat in Bible class, which I always enjoy when about halfway through I felt as though my skin was crawling. I have no better words than describe it as just that. I felt uncomfortable inside and out. My heart felt heavy. I didn't want anyone near me, even hugging people that I knew and love dearly became painful. Slowly, evil thoughts began seeping into my brain one by one. Then it came time for service. All the thoughts continued to pound down on me, telling me I'm a lost cause, I'll never be whole, I'll always be incomplete. They continued on repeat through every worship song (esp. my favs), through every prayer, and on into the sermon, until it felt like I was spiraling down a staircase unable to climb back up to the top. I was getting choked up with every song - which hadn't happened in a long time. And the kicker - I was even dreading communion, thinking to myself, I can't participate in Christ's flesh and blood, because I am not worthy! I am not worthy!..the voices shouted and shouted at me as I stood up and dragged myself up to the table. I felt so out of place because everyone around me seemed so happy and there I was stewing in my own filthy grief. I was starting to hyperventilate. Very hesitantly, I reached down for the "bread and the wine" trying my best (without crying) to think about Jesus' death and resurrection for poor little ol' me. And suddenly. It stopped.

I was tricked! I was duped! I was fooled into believing all these down-right lies going on in my head all trying their hardest to oppress me. Satan knows my weaknesses. He knows what I fear. And suddenly, when I took the bread and the cup and was reminded just how much God loved me and how even though I felt unworthy, and then these words came instead - I am good enough because the Great I AM said so. 


As I walked back to my spot in the pew, I realized how disillusioned I had become in a matter of a little under an hour. All because of that big fat jerk better known as Satan. Now I can say, I'm definitely going to be on the look out. Stay behind me, Satan. You don't have a foothold over me anymore.

James 4:7-8 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you."